Another quick post, as I am still recovering from this week’s tiredness. I have blogged about the Daily Download. I don’t do this every day, but I’m doing something similar most days since I found this book in a local charity shop:
It’s not quite the same as the daily download but the questions are similar:
I posted. Only it was a page not a post. And so I saved it as a draft. I was going to sort it, but no idea how to find drafts.
I am at the tired point where I want to cry because it hits to think. I may not manage anything else today due to tiredness. I have posted. I will find it, the original I mean. It’s just I am so tired, too tired and I can’t think and it is like this, when tired. My head can’t think. It needs food. Only I have forgotten how Food works. And battery is low, and I’m getting obsessed with posting a post I cannot find, so I am at least recognised it and I think how it is like this when ill mental and physical obsessions come up because there is no energy left to push it down, and that’s what a lot of mental health is, I think, not being able to find energy to stop the symptoms.
This post would be unreadable if not for the words appearing on the keyboard but I need to stoptyping and rest now, please.
I want to write a bit more about yesterday’s blog post.
I was at the stage that is un-technically called “exhausted frustration” I used to get to this state all the time and I think I used to think it was another symptom of depression.
It’s what I call the frame of mind when any and every little thing can send the mind into unreasonable frustration and, if unchecked, rage. I used to not recognise it as a result of my body being hungry and exhausted. By tiny things, I mean swearing under my breath at the phone keyboard because whenever I press the “t” key it gets me to the “tag” section on instagram. I don’t usually swear in public. But every time it did this I muttered another swear word, which I won’t type here because it’s not that kind of a blog, under my breath.
Thing is, because I was so tired, I wasn’t even aware I was doing it, not at first. I don’t know, maybe about 5 minutes of this before I caught myself and put away the phone. This is scary because it’s like my tiredness has taken away normal rules from me and not told me.
I am still exhausted today. I was in bed around 8pm last night. I also, because I was too tired to think, barely ate. Which only makes it worse. It’s weird, the way physical and mental health are divided, when your mind is another part of your body. Physical illness can affect the mental illness in decisive ways – I guess that’s why the HALT technique I blogged about recently is so effective – because it does acknowledge this. Too little Food can affect my mental health profoundly. It affects my sleep, because a hungry body will not sleep properly. It also impares my thinking (and possibly spelling too since the app is telling me there’s no such word as “impares”) my decision making, and my emotions go haywire – basically if I don’t eat, my mental health goes down hill. Which is a problem when I am too ill to cook.
Have I blogged about the difficulty I have with…..
There was a sentence there. Then half way through typing Poof! Vanished. No words in my head matched the words. This is exhaustion, not even frustration, just the exhaustion of a heavy head cold. It’s frightening, losing words. It’s frightening knowing that I have little Food in the house that I can eat. When I am so tired that I cannot complete a sentence, cooking becomes potentially dangerous. When I can’t trust myself with words I know I am not in the right ability to trust myself with a knife, or an oven.
Also, ev3n as I write this I am aware of the ability to type coherently is leaving me. Like the way I left , I mean put the number 3 in my word even just then. I am not even sure how it got there. I am not in the grip of exhausted frustration now. If I was a tiny thing like that would have me literally in tears and begging the machine, out loud, to please stop doing this and why are you doing this too me? Which I’m not. I’m too tired to insert italics though. I am tempted to delete this post, but a) I am too tired to do another one and I want to do one each day, even if I’ll, as a record for, I mean of, how it is. b)This typing is a illustration of how tired I am. Maybe the (lack of) structure will make my point of how tiredness affects me mentally better than my saying it?
I am going to change the title of this post to reflect it.
It is nearly 8pm.time for bed.
In a week or two I will have to reread these posts to see if they make any sense whatsoever.
The Friendly Magpie 